been a while

Well, where to begin. In March I was ne for a weekend class to Death Valley. When I returned Josh was hiding this girl in my jeep. Yes, a girl, and yes my jeep (I paid for it along with everything else). Well, needless to say I moved out, stayed with a friend for 2 weeks and then moved into my new house. So much has happened since then. We went to court twice. Josh has the kids while I work, so saving on daycare and I have the boys all other times. Josh is still with that girl, Michelle. I am not thrilled that the boys have to be around someone with such a colorful past (drug use and suicide attempt) but atleast they are NOT allowed to be alone with her! Now we were suppose to take coparenting classes. I completed my time, but Josh never did. I have done everything the CO says to the T. Josh told the judge too that in the future my family can only visit the boys during my time and his family during his time. Well, after his parents moved back he really hurt himself there. After all the yelling on the phone from his parents and his mom basically canceling on me to "hang out", I finally gave up a few hours. Well, now Josh is trying to get child support out of me and low and behold I am not going to let that happen! The lawyer is hired and ready! On top of that last Tuesday Ryder came home and told me dad slapped him across his face. Ryder also told Mr that Michelle spanking him, needless to say I confronted dad on both of these and he admitted to the slap, but got defensively with Michelle spanking. I have decided that from that moment if my boys come home with marks or telling me something we were going straight to urgent care. Atleast then if a doctor felt something was happening then CPS would be called. Well, on Thursday I picked the boys up at 6:45, got home and put them into the bath tub because it was so late. So at 7:30 when I was getting the bath ready I took off Gunners shirt and saw the marks. Ok, they could of been from playing, but they were so red. I was sick of it and with the diaper rash that he had received from dad putting him in little swimmers and neglecting to put destin on it all week we headed in. The doctor did seem concerned and explained to me that those marks could have been from rough housing, but they shouldn't be that bad. He told me that the diaper rash could have been from teething (which Gunner is not), but that it has lead to a yeast infection (not being changed or cleaned enough), again a neglect thing. So, doctor expressed he was going to contact CPS because something is going on and dad should not be slapping Ryder across the face. So, yesterday I picked up the boys after work from dads and low and behold CPS stopped by his apartment and apparently he thinks I called. Oh well. I am concerned. I am scared Josh might hurt the boys. I'm sure he loves them, but it should not be coming to this. When I was pregnant with Ryder Josh did punch me across the head,, which looking back now I wish I would have reported. I hope this all stops and Josh gets help or learns patience. I am counting down the days that I can possibly move away. Away from all the drama, near my family, because his family could give a rats asa about me. They don't seem to be at all concerned about the boys yet they take Josh word on everything. It is a joke and its old. I am not depressed. I am finally happy that I am away from Josh, but now it is time to save my boys!

Anyone there??!!

So these last few months have been up and down. One minute Josh and I are getting along, the next we are at each others throats. I keep telling myself "just grab the boys and your stuff and leave". I want to, I really do, but I think I love Josh too much to just up and leave him. I have tried talking to him about what is bothering me, but he calls me things like "drama" or "I'm moody" and so on. He says I knit pick at everything. All I want is more support. I walk in the door from work and before I even get 5 minutes to sit down he pipes up "whats for dinner" or storms off to the garage saying "I need a break". I know I shouldn't be writing thing about our relationship, but to be honest no one is perfect and not many people if anyone reads this, so its like a nice journal I can put out there. I have my flaws too, but all I want is him to help put the boys to bed, give them a bath, get up at 4am if one of the boys is crying. He doesn't! He gets upset if I am gone with my friends for hours, main reason I hardly see anyone any more. Yet, every night he can take MY car (yes, it is mine...I make the payment and insurance and its in my name) and he runs off to his friends house. If he happens to stay home one night and is in the garage, he gets upset when I call him inside to help me. Sorry, but try to rock a 5 months old and a 2 year old makes it hard to get up and make a bottle and get a sippy cup of milk (I know I can put them down, but I don't want to listen to crying!!). I love my boys enough not to have them around the fighting any more. I am to the point where I am actually looking for a new place to live, organizing things in the house (yes it is one of my New Years resolutions as well) in order to be pretty much ready at the drop of a hat to move out. We haven't even signed the new rental contract because I straight out told the management company that I am looking for a new place, because of the same reasons! They are very understanding, so atleast that is a good thing! I guess I just wish he would sit down and listen to me, and we could work things out. I know I am not perfect, but I don't keep any secrets and explain to him what I want. He retaliates by using uncalled for voices or by yelling at me saying I am lazy and what not. I guess I am at a loss and am hanging by the last thread on this very thick rope!!
Thanks for reading, if anyone is actually there!!