life is crazy

So, I woke up this morning and was thinking "how did I get here?" Things have changed so much over the past year, and now the boys and I are starting to pack up and in June we will be moving to Minnesota. It has been a struggle, but I know this is for the best. So, looking at the past, I almost feel like I should have seen the signs and left Josh earlier. I mean, he drank a lot. That should have been the first sign. Granted when Ryder was born, things started to change, but when Josh was let go from his job, again it got worst. When I found out I was pregnant with Gunner it seemed things might get better, but when Gunner was born in Minnesota and Josh was offered to come out and meet his newest son, he was reluctant. When he got there and we did not get the vehicle we had planned to get, things changed. It was almost as if he didnt get his way, so he threw a tantrum. Driving back to California, he was going over 90 mph, telling me that I should have had an abortion and so much more. I have to say that in August 2011, I had made up my mind and wanted out, but how? I have 2 boys with Josh. I decided that I am just going to stay there until I could save up enough money and make sure that we were done. Come February 2012, Josh was always running off to his friends house and spending extra time with his friends sister. I had my suspicions, but kept telling myself we are fine. Granted I know I wanted to leave, to get out, but I also felt like for the boys we deserved to try. Well in March when I was getting ready to leave for a trip to Death Valley, the Thursday before Josh and I had a conversation and decided to end our relationship, but because of the boys, for now we would live together, but we decided that no one else would come over or be around the kids unless they were family. Well, turns out I came back home the following Sunday to find Josh hiding his friends sister in my garage. He felt he did nothing wrong. I felt betrayed. I had just given him $50 before I left for the weekend and then he apparently took my card and went to take another $200 out, which I didnt find out until I returned. He took money, lied about everything and made me see his true self. That week I decided to move out, moved in with my best friend and then found my new house 3 weeks later. It was very fast and over-whelming, but I eventually started to feel better. Now, there was a lot of issues that still came up throughout the whole custody and break up. I learned that Joshs new girlfriend was only 20, drank all the time and smoked pot. She just wanted someone I really wanted around my boys. I did some digging and found the truth, while Josh and his girlfriend made up lied (they started calling me baby killer and blaming me for neglect when the boys has some small cut or scrape). It was hard knowing someone I had spent 4 years with would turn into such a bully. He knew the person I was, and I knew the person he was. I did use some of his flaws to gain some control, which is wrong of me, but I felt that his drinking and driving, along with his tagging and no job would be something that could possibly out my boys in danger. Eventually it did work out and we did learn to respect each other, but there are always some issues, but moving on is the only way. Now, today we are friends. We can get along and spend time together, but I have learned to say no. Back in Dec and then again in Feb we went to court. Josh continued the hearing until Feb, which then in Feb he didnt show up to. He blamed me because I didnt remind him, yet because I had a lawyer, it was not my responsibility. So since he didnt show up, I was granted the ok to move to Minnesota, awarded sole legal and physical custody and Josh was given only supervised visitation (had some text messages that proved my reluctance). Now, Josh asks me if the boys can stay over or go with him somewhere and I always say no. I think the biggeest thing that bothers me to this day is that Josh will come by for a week or so, hang out and do stuff, but then for almost 2 weeks he disappears. He doesnt call, stop by, nothing. We are leaving in 10 weeks and he does this every 2 to 3 weeks. He claims he is out of town. I have to tell myself to stop caring, but when your boys are asking where dad is and when they say things that dad doesnt care or like them, I keep thinking moving away will be better since Josh wont be able to play the mind games with them. I wrote this because there is a lot on my mind and people only hear random things because they are mad. I know that everyone has flaws, I do to, but I care so much for my boys. I want help with them, which I dont get from their dad, so why not take a leap and move on. I am interested if Josh will even care and come visit or if he will even care. I dont know and I am sure it wilk happen every know and then, but I dont think it will last. I love my boys and I will do anything for them. I want nothing but happiness for them and hopefully the future brings that.