New start

Wow, need to catch up. Ok, so since basically putting in my resignation to MVUSD I received a job offer in a little Minnesota town named St. Francis. The boys and I loaded up a truck with the help of my mom and older sister, and left at the middle of June. We drove ll the way to Minnesota and I spent the summer at my parents house. The boys and I had a blast all summer and by August I found a house in Blaine, a suburb of the Cities and moved in with my cousin and little sister. The boys were enrolled into a small preschool/daycare near my work and so far love it. Work is also going great. I actually really enjoy the students and my job. I feel like this is a lot more work than Vista, but overall it is great! Other than all that, I am loving being close to my family. It is helpful because about three weeks ago my car basically stopped working. I thought it was just the starter, but now it looks like I need a new engine. So I am currently in the market for a new car, so hopefully by February or March! Other than that Gunner turned 3 in July and Ryder 5 on the 4th of October. Josh did come to see the boys for week, but even though it was an over all good visit, he really is a slob. I guess next time he can stay some where else because I don't think I can deal with that again. Overall, I love being back to Minnesota and close to family and so does the boys!

life is crazy

So, I woke up this morning and was thinking "how did I get here?" Things have changed so much over the past year, and now the boys and I are starting to pack up and in June we will be moving to Minnesota. It has been a struggle, but I know this is for the best. So, looking at the past, I almost feel like I should have seen the signs and left Josh earlier. I mean, he drank a lot. That should have been the first sign. Granted when Ryder was born, things started to change, but when Josh was let go from his job, again it got worst. When I found out I was pregnant with Gunner it seemed things might get better, but when Gunner was born in Minnesota and Josh was offered to come out and meet his newest son, he was reluctant. When he got there and we did not get the vehicle we had planned to get, things changed. It was almost as if he didnt get his way, so he threw a tantrum. Driving back to California, he was going over 90 mph, telling me that I should have had an abortion and so much more. I have to say that in August 2011, I had made up my mind and wanted out, but how? I have 2 boys with Josh. I decided that I am just going to stay there until I could save up enough money and make sure that we were done. Come February 2012, Josh was always running off to his friends house and spending extra time with his friends sister. I had my suspicions, but kept telling myself we are fine. Granted I know I wanted to leave, to get out, but I also felt like for the boys we deserved to try. Well in March when I was getting ready to leave for a trip to Death Valley, the Thursday before Josh and I had a conversation and decided to end our relationship, but because of the boys, for now we would live together, but we decided that no one else would come over or be around the kids unless they were family. Well, turns out I came back home the following Sunday to find Josh hiding his friends sister in my garage. He felt he did nothing wrong. I felt betrayed. I had just given him $50 before I left for the weekend and then he apparently took my card and went to take another $200 out, which I didnt find out until I returned. He took money, lied about everything and made me see his true self. That week I decided to move out, moved in with my best friend and then found my new house 3 weeks later. It was very fast and over-whelming, but I eventually started to feel better. Now, there was a lot of issues that still came up throughout the whole custody and break up. I learned that Joshs new girlfriend was only 20, drank all the time and smoked pot. She just wanted someone I really wanted around my boys. I did some digging and found the truth, while Josh and his girlfriend made up lied (they started calling me baby killer and blaming me for neglect when the boys has some small cut or scrape). It was hard knowing someone I had spent 4 years with would turn into such a bully. He knew the person I was, and I knew the person he was. I did use some of his flaws to gain some control, which is wrong of me, but I felt that his drinking and driving, along with his tagging and no job would be something that could possibly out my boys in danger. Eventually it did work out and we did learn to respect each other, but there are always some issues, but moving on is the only way. Now, today we are friends. We can get along and spend time together, but I have learned to say no. Back in Dec and then again in Feb we went to court. Josh continued the hearing until Feb, which then in Feb he didnt show up to. He blamed me because I didnt remind him, yet because I had a lawyer, it was not my responsibility. So since he didnt show up, I was granted the ok to move to Minnesota, awarded sole legal and physical custody and Josh was given only supervised visitation (had some text messages that proved my reluctance). Now, Josh asks me if the boys can stay over or go with him somewhere and I always say no. I think the biggeest thing that bothers me to this day is that Josh will come by for a week or so, hang out and do stuff, but then for almost 2 weeks he disappears. He doesnt call, stop by, nothing. We are leaving in 10 weeks and he does this every 2 to 3 weeks. He claims he is out of town. I have to tell myself to stop caring, but when your boys are asking where dad is and when they say things that dad doesnt care or like them, I keep thinking moving away will be better since Josh wont be able to play the mind games with them. I wrote this because there is a lot on my mind and people only hear random things because they are mad. I know that everyone has flaws, I do to, but I care so much for my boys. I want help with them, which I dont get from their dad, so why not take a leap and move on. I am interested if Josh will even care and come visit or if he will even care. I dont know and I am sure it wilk happen every know and then, but I dont think it will last. I love my boys and I will do anything for them. I want nothing but happiness for them and hopefully the future brings that.

been a while

Well, where to begin. In March I was ne for a weekend class to Death Valley. When I returned Josh was hiding this girl in my jeep. Yes, a girl, and yes my jeep (I paid for it along with everything else). Well, needless to say I moved out, stayed with a friend for 2 weeks and then moved into my new house. So much has happened since then. We went to court twice. Josh has the kids while I work, so saving on daycare and I have the boys all other times. Josh is still with that girl, Michelle. I am not thrilled that the boys have to be around someone with such a colorful past (drug use and suicide attempt) but atleast they are NOT allowed to be alone with her! Now we were suppose to take coparenting classes. I completed my time, but Josh never did. I have done everything the CO says to the T. Josh told the judge too that in the future my family can only visit the boys during my time and his family during his time. Well, after his parents moved back he really hurt himself there. After all the yelling on the phone from his parents and his mom basically canceling on me to "hang out", I finally gave up a few hours. Well, now Josh is trying to get child support out of me and low and behold I am not going to let that happen! The lawyer is hired and ready! On top of that last Tuesday Ryder came home and told me dad slapped him across his face. Ryder also told Mr that Michelle spanking him, needless to say I confronted dad on both of these and he admitted to the slap, but got defensively with Michelle spanking. I have decided that from that moment if my boys come home with marks or telling me something we were going straight to urgent care. Atleast then if a doctor felt something was happening then CPS would be called. Well, on Thursday I picked the boys up at 6:45, got home and put them into the bath tub because it was so late. So at 7:30 when I was getting the bath ready I took off Gunners shirt and saw the marks. Ok, they could of been from playing, but they were so red. I was sick of it and with the diaper rash that he had received from dad putting him in little swimmers and neglecting to put destin on it all week we headed in. The doctor did seem concerned and explained to me that those marks could have been from rough housing, but they shouldn't be that bad. He told me that the diaper rash could have been from teething (which Gunner is not), but that it has lead to a yeast infection (not being changed or cleaned enough), again a neglect thing. So, doctor expressed he was going to contact CPS because something is going on and dad should not be slapping Ryder across the face. So, yesterday I picked up the boys after work from dads and low and behold CPS stopped by his apartment and apparently he thinks I called. Oh well. I am concerned. I am scared Josh might hurt the boys. I'm sure he loves them, but it should not be coming to this. When I was pregnant with Ryder Josh did punch me across the head,, which looking back now I wish I would have reported. I hope this all stops and Josh gets help or learns patience. I am counting down the days that I can possibly move away. Away from all the drama, near my family, because his family could give a rats asa about me. They don't seem to be at all concerned about the boys yet they take Josh word on everything. It is a joke and its old. I am not depressed. I am finally happy that I am away from Josh, but now it is time to save my boys!

Anyone there??!!

So these last few months have been up and down. One minute Josh and I are getting along, the next we are at each others throats. I keep telling myself "just grab the boys and your stuff and leave". I want to, I really do, but I think I love Josh too much to just up and leave him. I have tried talking to him about what is bothering me, but he calls me things like "drama" or "I'm moody" and so on. He says I knit pick at everything. All I want is more support. I walk in the door from work and before I even get 5 minutes to sit down he pipes up "whats for dinner" or storms off to the garage saying "I need a break". I know I shouldn't be writing thing about our relationship, but to be honest no one is perfect and not many people if anyone reads this, so its like a nice journal I can put out there. I have my flaws too, but all I want is him to help put the boys to bed, give them a bath, get up at 4am if one of the boys is crying. He doesn't! He gets upset if I am gone with my friends for hours, main reason I hardly see anyone any more. Yet, every night he can take MY car (yes, it is mine...I make the payment and insurance and its in my name) and he runs off to his friends house. If he happens to stay home one night and is in the garage, he gets upset when I call him inside to help me. Sorry, but try to rock a 5 months old and a 2 year old makes it hard to get up and make a bottle and get a sippy cup of milk (I know I can put them down, but I don't want to listen to crying!!). I love my boys enough not to have them around the fighting any more. I am to the point where I am actually looking for a new place to live, organizing things in the house (yes it is one of my New Years resolutions as well) in order to be pretty much ready at the drop of a hat to move out. We haven't even signed the new rental contract because I straight out told the management company that I am looking for a new place, because of the same reasons! They are very understanding, so atleast that is a good thing! I guess I just wish he would sit down and listen to me, and we could work things out. I know I am not perfect, but I don't keep any secrets and explain to him what I want. He retaliates by using uncalled for voices or by yelling at me saying I am lazy and what not. I guess I am at a loss and am hanging by the last thread on this very thick rope!!
Thanks for reading, if anyone is actually there!!

What a crazy past month!

Ok, so in the past month I have gone back to work, switched daycare, and have been working on my Master in Teacher Leadership! It has been so crazy that I honestly can hardly remember what day it is, what assignments are due, if I have an extra duty assingment that week, or even if my kids got a bath. I feel like i am doing everything that I almost feel like running away to go get a massage, just so I can get an hour to myself and take my mind off of everything that is going on. I even have 3 different calanders maked with important dates to remind myself of when to turn things in and even when to give the kids a bath (every other day, unless they are beyond dirty!).
Honestly, I do love my life, and I love everyone in it, but when my kids are both taking a nap at the same time, I honestly just sit there and close my eyes and imagine what life would be like if I was on my own. I can't remember the late nights out at the club, dancing my pants off, drink after drink, not worried about assignments, baths or even making sure everyone is fed. I have realized that once you become a mom, your needs get pushed out the door and nothing else matters. I sometimes have to write myself notes to even eat because I hardly get time to do that (yet I struggle to loose weight...mmmnnn).
I love my kids so much, that I thank god each and every day that he put them in my arms. I am so happy that they are happy and healthy, I just wish I could give them the world! Most of the things I am doing, going to work and getting my Masters is to make sure that my children are supplied with everything they need from food, toys, insurance all the way to college funds. I am lucky to still have a job and be able to support my family throughout these tough times. I wouldn't change a thing about it!

2 under 2

Well it's official...I am a mother of two boys under two!!! Gunner Scott Tiley was born July 23rd, 2011 at 2:07pm. He weights a big 8lbs 13.2 oz and was 22 in long (even though I am pretty sure they messed up on the length!!). He has been a great baby so far and Ryder has been the best big brother!!! It has been an adjustment, but overall I think I have really gotten the hang of it. I sometimes feel like a terrible mom, but it only lasts for a little bit. I say this because when one kid starts crying, the other just times rights in for the fun!!! Way to ruine my relaxation. I try to comfort both, but when the baby is hungry and wants the boob, it is beyond hard to try and give Ryder a hug. I try my best and I think Ryder nderstands that, but sometimes I just give him a treat and try and get him to cry it out on his own! Normally after I get the baby calmed down and fed, I then lay baby down and tend to Ryder! It has taken a ton of patience and adjusting, but to be honest...I got this!!! Seriously...I feel like I maynot have it together sometimes, but now with finally having and adjusting to 2 kids, I think I might be ready for a little girl!!!

News

So, with everything that been going on lately, I feel like I am beyond stressed. When I say everything, I am talking about school, being pregnant, chasing after Ryder, and basically dealing with life. I feel like I get to the weekend and I have too much to do, that I can't even sit and relax. I get Braxton hicks contractions continuously with being on the go. When I finally get to bed, I end up getting charlie horses to the point where I feel like cutting off my own leg. I keep telling myself, calm down, one day at a time, and you can do this. It's not like I am going to fall over or even go into labor with all that is going on, I think I just need to get away and relax for one day. I am hoping I can fit in a massage sometime this weekend just so I can lay down and have to worry about anything, but either way I will need to come back to reality! The fact is that with everything going on, Josh has stepped up and been super supportive. he understands that I need these classes to keep my job and to really increase my pay and move on to better things. The sacrafices we are making, are only for a short time, and they will be worth it in the end! I keep telling myself, I only have to make it to July, just July! With my Masters degree I will be completing a total of 4 classes before I finally go on a leave of absence, and then hopefully I will be able to come back and really cram and finish it in a timely manner without having to really worry much about dealing with life! Besides those 4 classes, I am currently taking three other online classes and two classes, which I will have to attend on saturdays! I can do this, I can do this, is all I hear myself saying and I believe it!
Before I know it I will be finished with my masters and it will be incredibly fulfilling and exciting in the end!