been a while

Well, where to begin. In March I was ne for a weekend class to Death Valley. When I returned Josh was hiding this girl in my jeep. Yes, a girl, and yes my jeep (I paid for it along with everything else). Well, needless to say I moved out, stayed with a friend for 2 weeks and then moved into my new house. So much has happened since then. We went to court twice. Josh has the kids while I work, so saving on daycare and I have the boys all other times. Josh is still with that girl, Michelle. I am not thrilled that the boys have to be around someone with such a colorful past (drug use and suicide attempt) but atleast they are NOT allowed to be alone with her! Now we were suppose to take coparenting classes. I completed my time, but Josh never did. I have done everything the CO says to the T. Josh told the judge too that in the future my family can only visit the boys during my time and his family during his time. Well, after his parents moved back he really hurt himself there. After all the yelling on the phone from his parents and his mom basically canceling on me to "hang out", I finally gave up a few hours. Well, now Josh is trying to get child support out of me and low and behold I am not going to let that happen! The lawyer is hired and ready! On top of that last Tuesday Ryder came home and told me dad slapped him across his face. Ryder also told Mr that Michelle spanking him, needless to say I confronted dad on both of these and he admitted to the slap, but got defensively with Michelle spanking. I have decided that from that moment if my boys come home with marks or telling me something we were going straight to urgent care. Atleast then if a doctor felt something was happening then CPS would be called. Well, on Thursday I picked the boys up at 6:45, got home and put them into the bath tub because it was so late. So at 7:30 when I was getting the bath ready I took off Gunners shirt and saw the marks. Ok, they could of been from playing, but they were so red. I was sick of it and with the diaper rash that he had received from dad putting him in little swimmers and neglecting to put destin on it all week we headed in. The doctor did seem concerned and explained to me that those marks could have been from rough housing, but they shouldn't be that bad. He told me that the diaper rash could have been from teething (which Gunner is not), but that it has lead to a yeast infection (not being changed or cleaned enough), again a neglect thing. So, doctor expressed he was going to contact CPS because something is going on and dad should not be slapping Ryder across the face. So, yesterday I picked up the boys after work from dads and low and behold CPS stopped by his apartment and apparently he thinks I called. Oh well. I am concerned. I am scared Josh might hurt the boys. I'm sure he loves them, but it should not be coming to this. When I was pregnant with Ryder Josh did punch me across the head,, which looking back now I wish I would have reported. I hope this all stops and Josh gets help or learns patience. I am counting down the days that I can possibly move away. Away from all the drama, near my family, because his family could give a rats asa about me. They don't seem to be at all concerned about the boys yet they take Josh word on everything. It is a joke and its old. I am not depressed. I am finally happy that I am away from Josh, but now it is time to save my boys!

Anyone there??!!

So these last few months have been up and down. One minute Josh and I are getting along, the next we are at each others throats. I keep telling myself "just grab the boys and your stuff and leave". I want to, I really do, but I think I love Josh too much to just up and leave him. I have tried talking to him about what is bothering me, but he calls me things like "drama" or "I'm moody" and so on. He says I knit pick at everything. All I want is more support. I walk in the door from work and before I even get 5 minutes to sit down he pipes up "whats for dinner" or storms off to the garage saying "I need a break". I know I shouldn't be writing thing about our relationship, but to be honest no one is perfect and not many people if anyone reads this, so its like a nice journal I can put out there. I have my flaws too, but all I want is him to help put the boys to bed, give them a bath, get up at 4am if one of the boys is crying. He doesn't! He gets upset if I am gone with my friends for hours, main reason I hardly see anyone any more. Yet, every night he can take MY car (yes, it is mine...I make the payment and insurance and its in my name) and he runs off to his friends house. If he happens to stay home one night and is in the garage, he gets upset when I call him inside to help me. Sorry, but try to rock a 5 months old and a 2 year old makes it hard to get up and make a bottle and get a sippy cup of milk (I know I can put them down, but I don't want to listen to crying!!). I love my boys enough not to have them around the fighting any more. I am to the point where I am actually looking for a new place to live, organizing things in the house (yes it is one of my New Years resolutions as well) in order to be pretty much ready at the drop of a hat to move out. We haven't even signed the new rental contract because I straight out told the management company that I am looking for a new place, because of the same reasons! They are very understanding, so atleast that is a good thing! I guess I just wish he would sit down and listen to me, and we could work things out. I know I am not perfect, but I don't keep any secrets and explain to him what I want. He retaliates by using uncalled for voices or by yelling at me saying I am lazy and what not. I guess I am at a loss and am hanging by the last thread on this very thick rope!!
Thanks for reading, if anyone is actually there!!

What a crazy past month!

Ok, so in the past month I have gone back to work, switched daycare, and have been working on my Master in Teacher Leadership! It has been so crazy that I honestly can hardly remember what day it is, what assignments are due, if I have an extra duty assingment that week, or even if my kids got a bath. I feel like i am doing everything that I almost feel like running away to go get a massage, just so I can get an hour to myself and take my mind off of everything that is going on. I even have 3 different calanders maked with important dates to remind myself of when to turn things in and even when to give the kids a bath (every other day, unless they are beyond dirty!).
Honestly, I do love my life, and I love everyone in it, but when my kids are both taking a nap at the same time, I honestly just sit there and close my eyes and imagine what life would be like if I was on my own. I can't remember the late nights out at the club, dancing my pants off, drink after drink, not worried about assignments, baths or even making sure everyone is fed. I have realized that once you become a mom, your needs get pushed out the door and nothing else matters. I sometimes have to write myself notes to even eat because I hardly get time to do that (yet I struggle to loose weight...mmmnnn).
I love my kids so much, that I thank god each and every day that he put them in my arms. I am so happy that they are happy and healthy, I just wish I could give them the world! Most of the things I am doing, going to work and getting my Masters is to make sure that my children are supplied with everything they need from food, toys, insurance all the way to college funds. I am lucky to still have a job and be able to support my family throughout these tough times. I wouldn't change a thing about it!

2 under 2

Well it's official...I am a mother of two boys under two!!! Gunner Scott Tiley was born July 23rd, 2011 at 2:07pm. He weights a big 8lbs 13.2 oz and was 22 in long (even though I am pretty sure they messed up on the length!!). He has been a great baby so far and Ryder has been the best big brother!!! It has been an adjustment, but overall I think I have really gotten the hang of it. I sometimes feel like a terrible mom, but it only lasts for a little bit. I say this because when one kid starts crying, the other just times rights in for the fun!!! Way to ruine my relaxation. I try to comfort both, but when the baby is hungry and wants the boob, it is beyond hard to try and give Ryder a hug. I try my best and I think Ryder nderstands that, but sometimes I just give him a treat and try and get him to cry it out on his own! Normally after I get the baby calmed down and fed, I then lay baby down and tend to Ryder! It has taken a ton of patience and adjusting, but to be honest...I got this!!! Seriously...I feel like I maynot have it together sometimes, but now with finally having and adjusting to 2 kids, I think I might be ready for a little girl!!!

News

So, with everything that been going on lately, I feel like I am beyond stressed. When I say everything, I am talking about school, being pregnant, chasing after Ryder, and basically dealing with life. I feel like I get to the weekend and I have too much to do, that I can't even sit and relax. I get Braxton hicks contractions continuously with being on the go. When I finally get to bed, I end up getting charlie horses to the point where I feel like cutting off my own leg. I keep telling myself, calm down, one day at a time, and you can do this. It's not like I am going to fall over or even go into labor with all that is going on, I think I just need to get away and relax for one day. I am hoping I can fit in a massage sometime this weekend just so I can lay down and have to worry about anything, but either way I will need to come back to reality! The fact is that with everything going on, Josh has stepped up and been super supportive. he understands that I need these classes to keep my job and to really increase my pay and move on to better things. The sacrafices we are making, are only for a short time, and they will be worth it in the end! I keep telling myself, I only have to make it to July, just July! With my Masters degree I will be completing a total of 4 classes before I finally go on a leave of absence, and then hopefully I will be able to come back and really cram and finish it in a timely manner without having to really worry much about dealing with life! Besides those 4 classes, I am currently taking three other online classes and two classes, which I will have to attend on saturdays! I can do this, I can do this, is all I hear myself saying and I believe it!
Before I know it I will be finished with my masters and it will be incredibly fulfilling and exciting in the end!

Update!!!

well, a lot has happened since I last wrote on here!!! I currently am doing better and have gotten my knee issues under control. We will see how long that lasts, but I guess pills and more pills for now!!! I am currently cooking our next little boy! We have decided to name him Gunner Scott. I am currently about 21 weeks along, so over half way there!!! We are all super excited to meet this new little guy!!! I know Ryder will be happy to have a little brother to play with!!!
Other than that I am finishing up some classes through the University of Phoenix and the Univesity of Riverside. I need then to clear my credential. I am very excited to almost be done, and it will be very rewarding to finally be done all together!
Well, more to come soon!!!

Welcome to 2011!!!

So the end of 2010 was very rough...lots of stuff going on and after Ryder's 1st Birthday i felt like everything was going downhill!!! I felt myself getting mad at everything, loosing my temper, just irratible all the time. I kept thinking i was pregnant and back in ocotober I was over a week late, and after taking 5 pregnacy tests, I finally found out that I wasn't pregnant! Well, next month I again was late so the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I took a pregancy test and found out I was pregnant!!! I am really excited about having another baby since ever since I had Ryder I have really wanted another baby and wanted them close together!!! I am due july 25th, 2011, so this next year should be extremely interesting!

Other than that, now that I know what is going on with me I have basically calmed down. While school can get crazy and I know I have lost my temper more than a few times I plan on going back after the break and starting fresh with a new attitude!!! I know that there are so many things rushing through my head with the new year, but I am hoping for the best!

Ryder is doing great, learning and picking up a ton of differnt words and habbits! The worst, his climbing...he CLIMBS EVERYTHING!!! He even figured out how to climb his crib and high chair. I plan on getting him a toddler bed within the next month since I will need the crib in a few months, and he is already climbing it! The best things he does is he talks all the time!!! His new this is "I did it!"...not sure what he did, but he loves saying it! Also, he yells at the dogs when they bark, "Hey, Quiet!!"...Love this kid! He is so bright and fun to be around!!! He also has almost all his teeth..just missing a few molars! He has a total of 8 on the top and 8 on the bottom!!!

Over the Holiday I decided to fly back to Minnesota for Christmas. I felt bad leaving Josh's family, but I knew that with all the stress I was going through, school, and the fact that I might knee surgery after this next baby is born. It was nice to see my family, cousins, grandparents, and even my great grandpa over the break! Ryder really got to bond with my parents and really had a great time watching my dad play guitar! Ryder even got some practice playing one, so maybe next year my parents will get him a little guitar!!!

Back with my knee...well, at the begining of November I was walking around school and all of a sudden almost fell the floor. I was able to catch myself on the wall, but it was just like my knee gave out on me and wouldn't let me walk! I know that sounds weird, but at first i thought maybe I was jsut being my clumbsy self until i took a group of kids to 6 flags magic mountain for a field trip. While my friend Tricia and i were walking around I all of a sudden fell to the ground with my knee twisted out. She helped me back up and helped me walk over to a bench to sit down. When i looked at me knee it was swollen. Well, the next week i went to the doctor and they did xrays and a bunch of other tests. They discovered that my cartilage was basically gone in that knee and it was bone grinding on bone. They suggested I take calcium pills and fish oil that my friend gave me! Well, within that month I found out I was pregnant. I went to my other doctor, and after 3 tests they told me that again 2 came up negative and the other test showed slight positive. Well, that was fustrating, so I did blood work, hoping for good news, and apparently they never checked my hormone levels. So i waited to actually see the baby to really tell anyone!!! On December 16th I went in and got an ultrasound done and saw the little peanut and saw the heartbeat beating away!!! This is super excited, but it also makes me worry about my knee. I am hoping that my knee gets better and I can build back up the cartilage, but according to my doctor he has told me that it is most likely that I will need knee surgery within the next year or 2!

Besides my knee again I am so excited about the new baby. I have decided that since I plan on not traveling to Minnesota next Christmas (I wont be able to afford 3 tickets each year, so I will go every other year). I have decided that I am going to go back to Minnesota this summer. Since i am due July 25th i wont be able to teach summer school, so toward the middle of June I will be driving back to Minnesota and then I will be having the baby there! That way I will have some help from family wiht Ryder and my mom will be there for the birth! I plan on spending about 2 weeks in minnesota after the baby is born and then heading back to California! It has been almost 3 years since i have spent a summer in minnesota, so i am so excited to be able to attend my family reuions and even spend the summers laying on the boat and going to BBQ!!! My mom is also going to help me get a new vehicle this summer. i have to pay down on my car as much as I can and then she said that since my credit isnt that great she will help me get the car I need! I really want a small SUV! Besides that, I am not going to find out if this baby is a boy or girl, but now since josh keeps saying that it is a boy, I really do want to find out so that he will know if he is wrong!!! The other great things this time around is that I now have disability!!! So that means I will actually get paid for being off work!!! I am going to try and take the whole 12 weeks, but I know that may be hard!

I am really looking forward to this next year! 2011 is hoping to be a good year, just hoping that everything goes good and everyone is blessed!!! Sorry for so long, Just a lot happening!!!