New start

Wow, need to catch up. Ok, so since basically putting in my resignation to MVUSD I received a job offer in a little Minnesota town named St. Francis. The boys and I loaded up a truck with the help of my mom and older sister, and left at the middle of June. We drove ll the way to Minnesota and I spent the summer at my parents house. The boys and I had a blast all summer and by August I found a house in Blaine, a suburb of the Cities and moved in with my cousin and little sister. The boys were enrolled into a small preschool/daycare near my work and so far love it. Work is also going great. I actually really enjoy the students and my job. I feel like this is a lot more work than Vista, but overall it is great! Other than all that, I am loving being close to my family. It is helpful because about three weeks ago my car basically stopped working. I thought it was just the starter, but now it looks like I need a new engine. So I am currently in the market for a new car, so hopefully by February or March! Other than that Gunner turned 3 in July and Ryder 5 on the 4th of October. Josh did come to see the boys for week, but even though it was an over all good visit, he really is a slob. I guess next time he can stay some where else because I don't think I can deal with that again. Overall, I love being back to Minnesota and close to family and so does the boys!

life is crazy

So, I woke up this morning and was thinking "how did I get here?" Things have changed so much over the past year, and now the boys and I are starting to pack up and in June we will be moving to Minnesota. It has been a struggle, but I know this is for the best. So, looking at the past, I almost feel like I should have seen the signs and left Josh earlier. I mean, he drank a lot. That should have been the first sign. Granted when Ryder was born, things started to change, but when Josh was let go from his job, again it got worst. When I found out I was pregnant with Gunner it seemed things might get better, but when Gunner was born in Minnesota and Josh was offered to come out and meet his newest son, he was reluctant. When he got there and we did not get the vehicle we had planned to get, things changed. It was almost as if he didnt get his way, so he threw a tantrum. Driving back to California, he was going over 90 mph, telling me that I should have had an abortion and so much more. I have to say that in August 2011, I had made up my mind and wanted out, but how? I have 2 boys with Josh. I decided that I am just going to stay there until I could save up enough money and make sure that we were done. Come February 2012, Josh was always running off to his friends house and spending extra time with his friends sister. I had my suspicions, but kept telling myself we are fine. Granted I know I wanted to leave, to get out, but I also felt like for the boys we deserved to try. Well in March when I was getting ready to leave for a trip to Death Valley, the Thursday before Josh and I had a conversation and decided to end our relationship, but because of the boys, for now we would live together, but we decided that no one else would come over or be around the kids unless they were family. Well, turns out I came back home the following Sunday to find Josh hiding his friends sister in my garage. He felt he did nothing wrong. I felt betrayed. I had just given him $50 before I left for the weekend and then he apparently took my card and went to take another $200 out, which I didnt find out until I returned. He took money, lied about everything and made me see his true self. That week I decided to move out, moved in with my best friend and then found my new house 3 weeks later. It was very fast and over-whelming, but I eventually started to feel better. Now, there was a lot of issues that still came up throughout the whole custody and break up. I learned that Joshs new girlfriend was only 20, drank all the time and smoked pot. She just wanted someone I really wanted around my boys. I did some digging and found the truth, while Josh and his girlfriend made up lied (they started calling me baby killer and blaming me for neglect when the boys has some small cut or scrape). It was hard knowing someone I had spent 4 years with would turn into such a bully. He knew the person I was, and I knew the person he was. I did use some of his flaws to gain some control, which is wrong of me, but I felt that his drinking and driving, along with his tagging and no job would be something that could possibly out my boys in danger. Eventually it did work out and we did learn to respect each other, but there are always some issues, but moving on is the only way. Now, today we are friends. We can get along and spend time together, but I have learned to say no. Back in Dec and then again in Feb we went to court. Josh continued the hearing until Feb, which then in Feb he didnt show up to. He blamed me because I didnt remind him, yet because I had a lawyer, it was not my responsibility. So since he didnt show up, I was granted the ok to move to Minnesota, awarded sole legal and physical custody and Josh was given only supervised visitation (had some text messages that proved my reluctance). Now, Josh asks me if the boys can stay over or go with him somewhere and I always say no. I think the biggeest thing that bothers me to this day is that Josh will come by for a week or so, hang out and do stuff, but then for almost 2 weeks he disappears. He doesnt call, stop by, nothing. We are leaving in 10 weeks and he does this every 2 to 3 weeks. He claims he is out of town. I have to tell myself to stop caring, but when your boys are asking where dad is and when they say things that dad doesnt care or like them, I keep thinking moving away will be better since Josh wont be able to play the mind games with them. I wrote this because there is a lot on my mind and people only hear random things because they are mad. I know that everyone has flaws, I do to, but I care so much for my boys. I want help with them, which I dont get from their dad, so why not take a leap and move on. I am interested if Josh will even care and come visit or if he will even care. I dont know and I am sure it wilk happen every know and then, but I dont think it will last. I love my boys and I will do anything for them. I want nothing but happiness for them and hopefully the future brings that.

been a while

Well, where to begin. In March I was ne for a weekend class to Death Valley. When I returned Josh was hiding this girl in my jeep. Yes, a girl, and yes my jeep (I paid for it along with everything else). Well, needless to say I moved out, stayed with a friend for 2 weeks and then moved into my new house. So much has happened since then. We went to court twice. Josh has the kids while I work, so saving on daycare and I have the boys all other times. Josh is still with that girl, Michelle. I am not thrilled that the boys have to be around someone with such a colorful past (drug use and suicide attempt) but atleast they are NOT allowed to be alone with her! Now we were suppose to take coparenting classes. I completed my time, but Josh never did. I have done everything the CO says to the T. Josh told the judge too that in the future my family can only visit the boys during my time and his family during his time. Well, after his parents moved back he really hurt himself there. After all the yelling on the phone from his parents and his mom basically canceling on me to "hang out", I finally gave up a few hours. Well, now Josh is trying to get child support out of me and low and behold I am not going to let that happen! The lawyer is hired and ready! On top of that last Tuesday Ryder came home and told me dad slapped him across his face. Ryder also told Mr that Michelle spanking him, needless to say I confronted dad on both of these and he admitted to the slap, but got defensively with Michelle spanking. I have decided that from that moment if my boys come home with marks or telling me something we were going straight to urgent care. Atleast then if a doctor felt something was happening then CPS would be called. Well, on Thursday I picked the boys up at 6:45, got home and put them into the bath tub because it was so late. So at 7:30 when I was getting the bath ready I took off Gunners shirt and saw the marks. Ok, they could of been from playing, but they were so red. I was sick of it and with the diaper rash that he had received from dad putting him in little swimmers and neglecting to put destin on it all week we headed in. The doctor did seem concerned and explained to me that those marks could have been from rough housing, but they shouldn't be that bad. He told me that the diaper rash could have been from teething (which Gunner is not), but that it has lead to a yeast infection (not being changed or cleaned enough), again a neglect thing. So, doctor expressed he was going to contact CPS because something is going on and dad should not be slapping Ryder across the face. So, yesterday I picked up the boys after work from dads and low and behold CPS stopped by his apartment and apparently he thinks I called. Oh well. I am concerned. I am scared Josh might hurt the boys. I'm sure he loves them, but it should not be coming to this. When I was pregnant with Ryder Josh did punch me across the head,, which looking back now I wish I would have reported. I hope this all stops and Josh gets help or learns patience. I am counting down the days that I can possibly move away. Away from all the drama, near my family, because his family could give a rats asa about me. They don't seem to be at all concerned about the boys yet they take Josh word on everything. It is a joke and its old. I am not depressed. I am finally happy that I am away from Josh, but now it is time to save my boys!

Anyone there??!!

So these last few months have been up and down. One minute Josh and I are getting along, the next we are at each others throats. I keep telling myself "just grab the boys and your stuff and leave". I want to, I really do, but I think I love Josh too much to just up and leave him. I have tried talking to him about what is bothering me, but he calls me things like "drama" or "I'm moody" and so on. He says I knit pick at everything. All I want is more support. I walk in the door from work and before I even get 5 minutes to sit down he pipes up "whats for dinner" or storms off to the garage saying "I need a break". I know I shouldn't be writing thing about our relationship, but to be honest no one is perfect and not many people if anyone reads this, so its like a nice journal I can put out there. I have my flaws too, but all I want is him to help put the boys to bed, give them a bath, get up at 4am if one of the boys is crying. He doesn't! He gets upset if I am gone with my friends for hours, main reason I hardly see anyone any more. Yet, every night he can take MY car (yes, it is mine...I make the payment and insurance and its in my name) and he runs off to his friends house. If he happens to stay home one night and is in the garage, he gets upset when I call him inside to help me. Sorry, but try to rock a 5 months old and a 2 year old makes it hard to get up and make a bottle and get a sippy cup of milk (I know I can put them down, but I don't want to listen to crying!!). I love my boys enough not to have them around the fighting any more. I am to the point where I am actually looking for a new place to live, organizing things in the house (yes it is one of my New Years resolutions as well) in order to be pretty much ready at the drop of a hat to move out. We haven't even signed the new rental contract because I straight out told the management company that I am looking for a new place, because of the same reasons! They are very understanding, so atleast that is a good thing! I guess I just wish he would sit down and listen to me, and we could work things out. I know I am not perfect, but I don't keep any secrets and explain to him what I want. He retaliates by using uncalled for voices or by yelling at me saying I am lazy and what not. I guess I am at a loss and am hanging by the last thread on this very thick rope!!
Thanks for reading, if anyone is actually there!!

What a crazy past month!

Ok, so in the past month I have gone back to work, switched daycare, and have been working on my Master in Teacher Leadership! It has been so crazy that I honestly can hardly remember what day it is, what assignments are due, if I have an extra duty assingment that week, or even if my kids got a bath. I feel like i am doing everything that I almost feel like running away to go get a massage, just so I can get an hour to myself and take my mind off of everything that is going on. I even have 3 different calanders maked with important dates to remind myself of when to turn things in and even when to give the kids a bath (every other day, unless they are beyond dirty!).
Honestly, I do love my life, and I love everyone in it, but when my kids are both taking a nap at the same time, I honestly just sit there and close my eyes and imagine what life would be like if I was on my own. I can't remember the late nights out at the club, dancing my pants off, drink after drink, not worried about assignments, baths or even making sure everyone is fed. I have realized that once you become a mom, your needs get pushed out the door and nothing else matters. I sometimes have to write myself notes to even eat because I hardly get time to do that (yet I struggle to loose weight...mmmnnn).
I love my kids so much, that I thank god each and every day that he put them in my arms. I am so happy that they are happy and healthy, I just wish I could give them the world! Most of the things I am doing, going to work and getting my Masters is to make sure that my children are supplied with everything they need from food, toys, insurance all the way to college funds. I am lucky to still have a job and be able to support my family throughout these tough times. I wouldn't change a thing about it!

2 under 2

Well it's official...I am a mother of two boys under two!!! Gunner Scott Tiley was born July 23rd, 2011 at 2:07pm. He weights a big 8lbs 13.2 oz and was 22 in long (even though I am pretty sure they messed up on the length!!). He has been a great baby so far and Ryder has been the best big brother!!! It has been an adjustment, but overall I think I have really gotten the hang of it. I sometimes feel like a terrible mom, but it only lasts for a little bit. I say this because when one kid starts crying, the other just times rights in for the fun!!! Way to ruine my relaxation. I try to comfort both, but when the baby is hungry and wants the boob, it is beyond hard to try and give Ryder a hug. I try my best and I think Ryder nderstands that, but sometimes I just give him a treat and try and get him to cry it out on his own! Normally after I get the baby calmed down and fed, I then lay baby down and tend to Ryder! It has taken a ton of patience and adjusting, but to be honest...I got this!!! Seriously...I feel like I maynot have it together sometimes, but now with finally having and adjusting to 2 kids, I think I might be ready for a little girl!!!

News

So, with everything that been going on lately, I feel like I am beyond stressed. When I say everything, I am talking about school, being pregnant, chasing after Ryder, and basically dealing with life. I feel like I get to the weekend and I have too much to do, that I can't even sit and relax. I get Braxton hicks contractions continuously with being on the go. When I finally get to bed, I end up getting charlie horses to the point where I feel like cutting off my own leg. I keep telling myself, calm down, one day at a time, and you can do this. It's not like I am going to fall over or even go into labor with all that is going on, I think I just need to get away and relax for one day. I am hoping I can fit in a massage sometime this weekend just so I can lay down and have to worry about anything, but either way I will need to come back to reality! The fact is that with everything going on, Josh has stepped up and been super supportive. he understands that I need these classes to keep my job and to really increase my pay and move on to better things. The sacrafices we are making, are only for a short time, and they will be worth it in the end! I keep telling myself, I only have to make it to July, just July! With my Masters degree I will be completing a total of 4 classes before I finally go on a leave of absence, and then hopefully I will be able to come back and really cram and finish it in a timely manner without having to really worry much about dealing with life! Besides those 4 classes, I am currently taking three other online classes and two classes, which I will have to attend on saturdays! I can do this, I can do this, is all I hear myself saying and I believe it!
Before I know it I will be finished with my masters and it will be incredibly fulfilling and exciting in the end!

Update!!!

well, a lot has happened since I last wrote on here!!! I currently am doing better and have gotten my knee issues under control. We will see how long that lasts, but I guess pills and more pills for now!!! I am currently cooking our next little boy! We have decided to name him Gunner Scott. I am currently about 21 weeks along, so over half way there!!! We are all super excited to meet this new little guy!!! I know Ryder will be happy to have a little brother to play with!!!
Other than that I am finishing up some classes through the University of Phoenix and the Univesity of Riverside. I need then to clear my credential. I am very excited to almost be done, and it will be very rewarding to finally be done all together!
Well, more to come soon!!!

Welcome to 2011!!!

So the end of 2010 was very rough...lots of stuff going on and after Ryder's 1st Birthday i felt like everything was going downhill!!! I felt myself getting mad at everything, loosing my temper, just irratible all the time. I kept thinking i was pregnant and back in ocotober I was over a week late, and after taking 5 pregnacy tests, I finally found out that I wasn't pregnant! Well, next month I again was late so the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I took a pregancy test and found out I was pregnant!!! I am really excited about having another baby since ever since I had Ryder I have really wanted another baby and wanted them close together!!! I am due july 25th, 2011, so this next year should be extremely interesting!

Other than that, now that I know what is going on with me I have basically calmed down. While school can get crazy and I know I have lost my temper more than a few times I plan on going back after the break and starting fresh with a new attitude!!! I know that there are so many things rushing through my head with the new year, but I am hoping for the best!

Ryder is doing great, learning and picking up a ton of differnt words and habbits! The worst, his climbing...he CLIMBS EVERYTHING!!! He even figured out how to climb his crib and high chair. I plan on getting him a toddler bed within the next month since I will need the crib in a few months, and he is already climbing it! The best things he does is he talks all the time!!! His new this is "I did it!"...not sure what he did, but he loves saying it! Also, he yells at the dogs when they bark, "Hey, Quiet!!"...Love this kid! He is so bright and fun to be around!!! He also has almost all his teeth..just missing a few molars! He has a total of 8 on the top and 8 on the bottom!!!

Over the Holiday I decided to fly back to Minnesota for Christmas. I felt bad leaving Josh's family, but I knew that with all the stress I was going through, school, and the fact that I might knee surgery after this next baby is born. It was nice to see my family, cousins, grandparents, and even my great grandpa over the break! Ryder really got to bond with my parents and really had a great time watching my dad play guitar! Ryder even got some practice playing one, so maybe next year my parents will get him a little guitar!!!

Back with my knee...well, at the begining of November I was walking around school and all of a sudden almost fell the floor. I was able to catch myself on the wall, but it was just like my knee gave out on me and wouldn't let me walk! I know that sounds weird, but at first i thought maybe I was jsut being my clumbsy self until i took a group of kids to 6 flags magic mountain for a field trip. While my friend Tricia and i were walking around I all of a sudden fell to the ground with my knee twisted out. She helped me back up and helped me walk over to a bench to sit down. When i looked at me knee it was swollen. Well, the next week i went to the doctor and they did xrays and a bunch of other tests. They discovered that my cartilage was basically gone in that knee and it was bone grinding on bone. They suggested I take calcium pills and fish oil that my friend gave me! Well, within that month I found out I was pregnant. I went to my other doctor, and after 3 tests they told me that again 2 came up negative and the other test showed slight positive. Well, that was fustrating, so I did blood work, hoping for good news, and apparently they never checked my hormone levels. So i waited to actually see the baby to really tell anyone!!! On December 16th I went in and got an ultrasound done and saw the little peanut and saw the heartbeat beating away!!! This is super excited, but it also makes me worry about my knee. I am hoping that my knee gets better and I can build back up the cartilage, but according to my doctor he has told me that it is most likely that I will need knee surgery within the next year or 2!

Besides my knee again I am so excited about the new baby. I have decided that since I plan on not traveling to Minnesota next Christmas (I wont be able to afford 3 tickets each year, so I will go every other year). I have decided that I am going to go back to Minnesota this summer. Since i am due July 25th i wont be able to teach summer school, so toward the middle of June I will be driving back to Minnesota and then I will be having the baby there! That way I will have some help from family wiht Ryder and my mom will be there for the birth! I plan on spending about 2 weeks in minnesota after the baby is born and then heading back to California! It has been almost 3 years since i have spent a summer in minnesota, so i am so excited to be able to attend my family reuions and even spend the summers laying on the boat and going to BBQ!!! My mom is also going to help me get a new vehicle this summer. i have to pay down on my car as much as I can and then she said that since my credit isnt that great she will help me get the car I need! I really want a small SUV! Besides that, I am not going to find out if this baby is a boy or girl, but now since josh keeps saying that it is a boy, I really do want to find out so that he will know if he is wrong!!! The other great things this time around is that I now have disability!!! So that means I will actually get paid for being off work!!! I am going to try and take the whole 12 weeks, but I know that may be hard!

I am really looking forward to this next year! 2011 is hoping to be a good year, just hoping that everything goes good and everyone is blessed!!! Sorry for so long, Just a lot happening!!!

lots of new stuff!

So, lately I have been couponing and things have been going great! Hell, I go to wags (walgreens), rite aid, CVS, ralphs, albertsons, target and kohls and get tons of everyday items for close to nothing, and sometimes free! I love it! I have learned so much from following a few blogs. First "totally target" is a great place to find wonderful deals and coupons for of course Target! My new deals this week are "free" kids boost essentials and very cheap glade candles! The candles will be perfect for christmas gifts! If you go onto coupons.com you can print coupons for glade candles, and then target has a new deal up until christmas, buy 5 candles ($2.99) and get a $5 gift card! Combine with a few of the candles you can walk away with cheap candles!!! Also, I was lucky enough to get a target mailer, so I received a few $3 off kids boost essentials. There is also a coupon for $3 off the kids boost on the website, so combine the 2 coupons together (a target and a manufacture print) you can get the for free since they are regular price $5.99!!! Other then that website I also check out the blog "chief family officer" which gives me deals and links to deals in southern california! To be honest I have saved so much money (paying off credit card dept is now stress free)! There are so many more deals out there and to be honest it can be very hard work, but I do enough research and know the websites to go to, so it makes it easy! Also, if you go to "iheartwags", "iheartcvs", and "iheartriteaid" you can see the upcoming ads before they are even out! Make it again to plan ahead!!! If you need any help feel free to check out the blogs mentioned or message me and I am always willing to help!

Other than the couponing, I ended up getting my settlement check (not a bunch of money, but enough) for a workers comp case I had been dealing with for almost 2 years now! It has been a stressful time, and to be honest, if I could quit my job and go work at a different school I would, but with the way the economy is I just deal with it and avoid certain coworkers! Well, I am now looking for jobs, possibly in Minnesota. I honestly just don't want to be in california any more (lots of other issues too), but again it gets hard. Hopefully in the near future it might happen!

Now, I have a question for all the mommies out there...do you ever feel like a walking uterus??? I know this is an odd question and I have basically begun using this phrase because this is how I have been feeling lately. I have a few people message me only asking about my son Ryder, or they say they miss HIM, or want to see HIM. Does anyone notice this or it just me??? I am just sick of people saying, "hope you can make it, we really miss Ryder and want to see him" or "how is Ryder" or the most recent, "another holiday without Ryder". Ok, so why can't people just say, "we really miss you guys" or "how are you guys" or "another holiday without you guys". I honestly feel like I didn't have a child to have people only miss him or only want to see him! I does make me feel like crap when people say this to me, whether they notice it or not, but I know when I talk to others I am very careful how I word certain things, so how come others aren't. It makes me not want to bring my child around these people. I know that may be harsh, but if they want to see my son, then they can A. Either babysit or B. Say they want to see all of us, not just Ryder, but Josh, Ryder and Me! Maybe I am over reacting, but this is why I feel like a walking uterus!

long overdue...

Everything has been good! Working a lot...trying to save enough money to be abel to go back to Minnesota for next summer and hopefully move there in a couple years! I guess I just really miss my family...I am such a family oriented person that it kills me to hear of all the great things everyone is doing...I feel like Cali isn't my home...I don't feel acceped by many people here, and I guess personally I have given up on even trying with most of them! I want my mom to be able to see her only grandson as much as possible and I cry all the time thinking she only gets to see him maybe once a year.
Speaking of Ryder...he turned 1 on October 4th! I can't believe it...its already been a year! It seemed like yesterday I was waking up and heading to the hospital! Since then Josh has become such a better dad. He helps me out a lot more, and even though we have our fights, we still try and work at life! I'm slowly trying to convince him to move to Minnesota, so hopefully I can win that argument! He said he would, but doesn't look forward to the humid summers, but hell, there are so many lakes, swimming is always an option!!!
I know there is more to update...first, my little sister is studying in Australia and will return on Dec. 19th, then she stays with me for a day and heads back to Minnesota...I am thinking about flying back with her that day, but I guess my mom has to work, so there would be no one to pick us up, so it looks like Ryder and I will be heading out later that day! My mom, dad and older sister are going to travel to Australia for Thanksgiving. My older sister is coming a few days earlier (they all have a layover in LA), so she is going to stay with me for a few days and visit her nephew...wow is she in a shock to see how much he has changed...I think the last time anyone saw him he was only 3 months old! Then everyone flys back the week after thanksgiving and my mom and dad might be staying with me for a couple of days. I'm really excited because my dad has never actually visited, sure he came out to check out the area before I actually moved here, but has never actually came to visit!
Other then that I have been couponing and saving a ton of money...I already have christmas present, and birthday presents for next year all done! It seems like the only thing that I need to really buy is groceries and I normally can get everything for under $100 a month! I have a stock pile of diapers, lotion, body wash, shampoo and conditioner and many more! I have learned so much from my wonderful 5000+ friends on BBC!!! It a forum of deals for bargain hunters and wow, have they taught me a ton!
Other than that everything has been great! I need to start posting about all the great deals I get...might help a few people out!
Well, off to bed...goodnight world!

been awhile

So been a while since I posted, but I have been BUSY!!!
The school year went good, and I ended up teaching summer school. School starts back up again on august 11th!

Ryder is now almost 10 months...he crawls all around, cruising on everything and now we are just waiting for him to start walking...he is growing up so fast...I take pictures of everything he does and videos too! I feel so bad that my parents and siblings can't see him grow up, but hopefully that will change soon! Ryder also has 8 teeth now and is always getting more...he is a great teether!

Josh and I are doing ok...we decided that when our lease is up, we might go our seperate ways if we can't work things out...we don't fight as much any more, we just are drifting apart and it sucks...really wish we could reconnect, but you never know what will happen.

I'm sure everything will work out in the end...

blah...tired

So Ryder had his 4 month shots yesterday and he has been moody all day! He turned 4 months on the 4th of february, but we couldn't get in until this week. He weighs 16lbs 4oz and is 25 1/4 in long! Getting to be a big boy! I get really excited when Josh has to pick him up. I work late tuesdays and thursdays and as I get home at 6:30 Ryder is screaming his head off, so mommy comes in and saves the day. That's why I love when Josh picka him up...I can come home and save the day! Lol
A few other things...I am trying to plan a trip for spring break. I would love to go see my sister in Mass. But I don't think we will have the money so I might end up taking a trip to death valley again with some friends! We went last year and it was great, even when I was 14 weeks pregnant!
Other things, well just working and spending as much time with Ryder as possible. I am planning on working summer school, but now they are saying that they may not have it this year, which would really bite because the extra money would be so much help! I am trying to get classes lined up to start in march, but not looking to good! I have to take a bunch of classes to finish my credential, so hoping I can get them straightened out. I guess this what happens when I wait until the last minute!
Well, about to fall asleep! Hope everyone has a good weekend of relaxation!

good time...

So, I am thrilled to say I finally found a daycare for Ryder. I am so thrilled everytime I drop him off he smiles and gets all happy, but then when I pick him up he gets so mad at me when I put him in the carseat, like he doesn't want to leave. It got me thinking...when he starts learning how to talk, what word is he going to learn first? Ya, he is with me on the weekends and vacation days, but from 7 to 4 everyday he is at daycare and around the other kids. Is he going to learn their names first? Does he even miss me? I'm sure he does, but then again he gets so mad when we leave. Only time will tell!
I am getting professional pictures of Ryder on monday and can't wait. I have never had professional pictures done because I take my own pictures, but I am excited. Came across a good deal and couldn't pass it up. I'm hoping it all works out good! I am sure I am going to end up spending more after the pictures are done, but that's fine!
Josh is also working 6 days of the week now, which is nice because we have extra money coming in, but then he is never here to help me. He expects me to get everything done and it just doesn't work that way with a 4 month old. Oh well, at least he is helping!

so tired of everything

So, things are going good so far. Josh and I are doing so much better. Times seemed so tough for awhile there, but with 2 weeks away from each other, it seems to have brought us closer together. we are still working on things and trying to be equal in everthing. Meaning we both have chores we do and both have certain responsibilties to take. Besides my normal teaching job I am doing a home hospital, which I have only one student, but that means that on my own time I have to meet with this student 5 hour out of the week. It sucks because I feel like that is 5 hours that I don't get to spend with Ryder, but we really need the money and we are trying so hard to save what we can, so every little bit helps. Also, starting at the beggining of febuary I will be working at nights from 3:15 to 6 :15, 2 days of the week, again, more time away from Ryder. I keep thinking that I am being such a bad mommy for not spending this time with him, but I keep telling myself, the weekends are so much more precious and also, I am saving for Ryders future so he will be able to do the things he wants. I think also this will be my last summer working summer school. I really want to have another baby by april of next year, so I'm trying my hardest to be prepared for all that is to come. Things are so much harder now that josh is also working a second job. I love the fact that he is working to help out more, but I sure do miss him. I love the fact that we both get off during the week around the same time, which gives us so much family time, but now fridays and saturdays seem so lonely.
Besides all that ryder is getting so big! He has to be nearly 15 lbs by now, but he is so tall it evens out! I can't imagine my life without him. All he does now is smile at everything! I love his little giggle, he cracks me up! He is also getting better with sleeping all night! He is such a good boy, going to be so strong and he is going to grow into such a handsome man! I love him so much!!!

Want to do it all!

So, i decided how nice it has been to have my family around. I love all my friends in California don't get me wrong, but I would love so much but to move closer to my family. I figured after next school year would be the best time. I am going to keep my eyes open for a job position in Minnesota. I am sure Josh will be willing to move as well. I hate to take him from his family, but isn't that what life is all about??? Everyone grows up and moves away. we eventually only see each other on the holidays and reunions. I guess eve if I get a job in the Cities, the housing is so much cheaper, I could raise my family in such a good community and I would only be yet a couple hours drive from my mom and dad. Josh and i have been thinking for a while to move, but I really have been wanting to wait 5 years at my job due to my student loans being paid for if I stay at the same school for 5 years. Lets see, quit with one year ahead and start over, or work one more year away from my family and get $15,000 paid off.... we don't even have to think about that one. I guess if we did move then I wouldn't feel so bad about the holidays. I guess I just feel obligated to fly to Minnesota every Christmas because I never see my family. I was extremely disappointed this year due to the fact that my grandma had changed the Christmas party from the 26th of December to the 19th of December, which meant that I saw no one from that side of my family. I could have flown out on the 18th of December has I known. Well, i guess to make up for this misfortune my mom has graciously put together a "meet the baby" shower for Tomorrow. I am extremely pumped because it will be all my aunts and cousins!!! Its exciting to know that my mom would go out of her way to do this!!!

Well, besides all that Ryder rolled over for the first time the other day!!! So exciting!!! He is nearly 14 lbs!!!! I couldn't believe it when I checked, unless my moms scale is wrong!!! LOL
Josh is back in California, I guess running around with all his friends in 70 degree weather, while I am in Minnesota where it has been the coldest all winter at -30 degrees...thats right, I said NEGATIVE!!!! You literally walk outside and instantly your frozen!!! LOL Cars can't even start in this temperature, unless they are in a garage, LOL

new year, new life!!!

The new year is upon us and everything has changed. I can't believe that I am now a mommy! It's so weird to think that this time last year Ryder was nothing more than a small egg inside of me and now he is almost 14lbs and growing bigger each and every day. It really makes me think as well how much I never really wanted children and now that I have one, I really want another. I have really thought it through and my sister and brother were all so close in age that I want the same for Ryder. So, I have came to the decision to have another baby within the next year. I want to wait until Ryder is close to 6 months before I start trying for another baby. I am really hoping for a boy, but to be honest, as long as it is healthy, I will be happy. Also, I am pushing Josh to make a promise that we will eventually get married, I always say i don't want to get married, but I would like the commitment of marriage. Meaning I would like the assurance that I will be the only "lady" in Josh's life. I guess it may be a trust thing, but I really want to make sure that we are happy and that we will grow old together! I am really looking forward to this new year. I can't wait to see Ryder grow up and to live my life with the many adventures to follow!!!

Introduction

So, my name is Clarissa. I am 25 years old, live with my boyfriend Josh for almost 2 years now and together we have a beautiful son named Ryder. Ryder was born October 4th, 2009 at 10:06pm. He was 8lbs, 5 oz, and 20 in long. It was one of the best moments of my life welcoming him to our family. I honestly never really wanted to be a mom, well, I did, but never thought I would be ready for it. Now that I am a mom, I couldn't think of anything better in life.

I grew up my whole life in Minnesota and recently moved to California to teach High School Earth Science. I have currently been teaching for 4 years now and I love it!!! This is where I met Josh.

Yes, everyone has there ups and downs, but it is really how you make of it. I would love nothing more than to be living the single life and to be only me, but I love the men I have in my life and I honestly can say, I don't know what I would do without them!!!